MRambler Central » Jokes

The Bartender

robolsd — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 23:37:17 +0000

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

The crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and he asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.” (Remember, your taxes are due today!)

High way Stories

robolsd — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:52:05 +0000

I was send an e-mail with this little story and song. Thought the community might like it. Any one else have an amusing story about cops, cars, road trips, etc?

Comedy 101

J.J. — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 21:13:25 +0000

You know we have talked at length about music, politics, weather, prices, and so forth. but the one subject that we haven’t really got onto is comedy and comedians. So take into all of the past questions we have had and apply them to the comedy world.

Who is your favorite Comedian of all time?
What comedy album/recording would you want on a island?
What is your favorite Comedy Movie?
What is the best comedy club that you have ever been to?
What is your favorite joke?(Clean Remember) If it’s blue just give the basic idea of it.

I have just been listening to a lot of comedy lately (the Sat has 3 Channels) and I am interested in what you guys think.
You know that the Laugh response is one of the major reflexes that the human body has that scientists can not explain, so this is one thing that everybody is different in, but we tend to gravitate to friends that share the same commedic tastes. I have never seen 2 friends together that do not agree about at least 1 comedy bit or comedian. So lets discuss.

Missing Person(Amber Alert)

J.J. — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:08:07 +0000

The community Authorities are looking for a missing person. Last heard from on 10/19 Last known whereabouts Seattle, WA Subject is known to frequent Coffee shops, and Weird Soda tastings, as well as music listening parties. Subject is married, no children. He is known to be employed as a computer programming expert/Tech. Subject has a sharp wit and has been known to talk his way out of troubling situations with ease at times. He has been rumored to have traveled to Hawaii in the recent weeks. Subjects name is Jek. If anyone knows the whereabouts of this missing person please inform the MRambler authorities. There is no reward but the peace of mind that you will get from outing him from whatever hole he has crawled into!!!!

Cultured

J.J. — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:55:25 +0000

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/culture
The only definition I could not find here is the operative one:
Cultured: What happens when a Redneck Truck Driver has 1 too many glasses of wine while waiting for his Tilapia.
All of you in Seattle, ask Jek bout this one sometime.

Don’t Go Near the WATER!….

MRambler — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 14:17:46 +0000

It looks as if Jek was “Used and Returned” and then forgotten!….. Don’t worry, we’ll be back soon to get you (sure we will)….. In the meantime, keep your children away….. “Jaws” was nothin’……

Happy Anniversary

J.J. — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 21:16:45 +0000

Do you realize that this the 25th anniversary of absolutely nothing happening at this present moment.

CAMEL JOCULARITY

Randalf the Grey — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 05:42:21 +0000

Recently, I received a warning regarding the use of the politically incorrect term “towel-heads”. We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I was informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us don’t like being called towel-heads, since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, they should be refered to as little sheet-heads. Thank you for your cooperation on this delicate matter.

Airline Maintenance Fixes……

MRambler — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 21:57:26 +0000

I haven’t posted a “WELL DUH!” in a while…… I got this from a friend and don’t know if it has made the rounds or not, but I thought if you hadn’t seen it, you might enjoy it…….
**Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one……
After every flight, Qantas’ pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet”, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft…… The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight…… Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Oklahoma Education…….

MRambler — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 13:15:55 +0000

Since I’m planning to run for “The Prez’s” job, I decided to become a new Oklahoma Tourism Ambassador…. I thought that a little more education wouldn’t be a bad thing, so I attended one of our exclusive private schools…. The curriculum there is the benchmark used by all higher education facilities in the state…. The pace was most grueling and taxed every one of my brain cells to the max, but, I struggled through and graduated with honors…. Whew, I want to tell you that was a tough week-end and I wouldn’t want to go through that again!…..

Here’s a photo of me after my graduation leaving the campus on their new ultramodern landscaped entrance on College Ave. going out to to win votes and influence people with the excellent education I received in the great state of Oklahoma…..